ONLINE DATING CAN REALLY SUCK- Says every single person. Including myself up until a year and a half ago. If you’re new to this blog, let me catch you up. I met the love of my life, my person on Hinge while in sweatpants binge watching Ozark on Netflix and now I am engaged to be married in two weeks.
I’ve been on and off the apps for YEARS and really had a love/hate relationship with them because I did go on fun dates and meet interesting people but it was also a total fucking nightmare at times. I have a lot of experience and learned a lot of lessons using the apps. All that being said, it does work. Especially in the world we live in. Still, in the aftermath of a pandemic, single people practically don’t have a choice but to try it out, because going to a bar to mingle with singles isn’t possible right now unless you’re in Florida.
So how can you optimize your chances of finding love on apps? Here are some lessons and tips I learned from experience as well as a little research.
Tip 1 Change Your Attitude
The mind is very powerful and if you keep saying, dating apps suck, this is a nightmare, or everyone on this app is lame- well that’s what it’s going to be for you. If you change your attitude and actually get excited about trying it out, and take it seriously, maybe your luck will change. Manifest that shit. Have fun with it. I was only successful when I had fun with it, when it didn’t consume my life, but was an added bonus when I had downtime.
Tip 2 No Expectations
If you go into it with a “laisser faire” mindset, what will be will be, your less likely to get stressed out. When I matched with Tony, it was the first time I ever went into swiping with no expectations- I literally was just doing it for fun. There was no goal in sight. I wasn’t necessarily looking for something. There’s a lot to say about wanting something so much to give us results and they don’t happen.
Don’t Chase- Attract.
Tip 3 Be Clear With Yourself With What You Want
Do you want to just date? Do you want a relationship? Do you want to meet new people? It’s so important to be clear with yourself about what you want and be honest about that to people you talk to on dating apps. If you want a relationship and you matched with someone that’s just looking around it’s not going to work. Be clear on what you want you’ll save your time and others.
Tip 4 LOCATION
A big mistake I used to make was only looking for people within a 5-mile radius of me- expand your horizons. There are tons of single people outside of your town! My love lived in Bushwick- it was so fun dating in both cities.
Tip 5 Building Your Profile
It’s understandable you want to put yourself in the best light and use the best photos, but don’t catfish. Do not use photos from 10 years ago when you look younger than you are now. Use recent photos of yourself. Picture you meeting someone and they comment on how you look better than you did in your photos, because you’re actually you!
Use images that portrait the type of person you are, the things that you’re into. But avoid too many group photos, they are very confusing and misleading. Try to show your off personality. In the apps that let you post videos, use those features to display your personality and hobbies. When it comes to prompt questions be open and honest if you are looking for a relationship say that. If you are only looking for some fun say that- It important to show your boundaries.
Remember to be light hearted and tell a joke. Your dating profile is you 30 second elevator pitch. It’s what makes you unique! Saying you love pizza and drinking wine in your profile bio does nor make you unique.
If you’re a single parent, indicate you are one in your bio. Being open and honest about your situation will make things easier in the long run. If you are looking for something serious, maybe avoid posting or using photos that are thirst traps.
Tip 6 Keep an Open Mind
When swipping through the app you may have a certain type you normally go for or that you are looking for. Keep an open mind there’s a reason your certain type isn’t working for you. Maybe explore that. For example if you’re into the bad boy there’s a reason for that. Explore some of your old relationship patters, you know through therapy, books, self-reflections. Give people a chance and if you know the bad boy is wrong for you don’t swipe right on him. I recommend trying something new, it might not be the love of your life but you’ll learn a lot from it.
Tip 7 Swipe with Intention
We all get into this pattern of swiping and meeting all these people, but not real life. Don’t just swipe on anyone, swipe with intention, take your time. Ask yourself these questions: does this person fit your life? Besides being attractive or being attracted, based on what i’m looking for does this person attract that?
Tip 8 You Matched Now What
Dating apps can become quite the game and a waste of time, especially when you have multiple matches. The biggest questions I get is how do you go from matching, to texting to meeting in real life? There no one size first all solution to this, generally speaking, if you match its’ a good idea to chat a bit, and if you feel its going well, hey here’s my number, let’s make a date.
Now if you’re a women, this is the only time I recommend being assertive,. Generally speaking you do want the man to lead, and I won’t get into the whole masculine feminine engeries. Giving a man the freedom to be a leader will only help you in the long run, but that doesn’t mean you should waste your time. Some people will only match on apps for validation and then ghost, and disappear.
So hopefully now they’re texting you! And it can be very tempting to continuously text them day to day ,and build up the excitement , but leave all the getting to know each other stuff for a date. If you feel like its becoming too much of a texting conversation, say, “hey I’m really glad we met, I have to get back to work (an excuse to be busy) let me know if you would like to continue this over a FaceTime date or real life.
Heres the thing, pre-pandemic I would have laughed at the idea of a FaceTime date, especially if you’re not sure if you really want to meet. FaceTime dates give you chance to see if theres chemistry ,but again don’t get swept up in the texting/getting to know each other ,as it does not always lead to something. But there are exception to this rule. When Tony and I matched on Hinged, that same day he was on his way to a family vacation for 1 week! literally thought I would never meet this guy because a whole week in the dating app world is ETERNITY – But I had nothing else to do, so I kept talking to him and we had a FaceTime date the day after texting. So it worked out for me. With dating there’s always exceptions to the rules, just listen to your gut.
Tip 9 Being Open and Honest
Being open and honest is so important, especially at the beginning. Mention that you are looking for something serious, that you are looking for a relationship. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest with your intentions. If the person is not receptive to it, you know you’re wasting you’re time . So many people are afraid of being too eager. It’s 2022, we are no longer playing games! If you have to play a game to attract a person, it’s never going to work.
By being honest and open with your boundaries you will attarack the right person. Make room for the person that wants the same things as you. When dating be cleat about your values, goals, things you like and dislike. If you’re not a morning person are you going to be able to date someone who wakes up at 5 A.M. in the morning? If it doesn’t bother you than great, but you need to think about these things.
We received a lot of questions and I have tried my best to answer all of them below:
” I met this great guy but I didn’t feel any butterflies “
I am going to change your world with this statement, butterflies, intense chemistry, and mild nausea, they’re all trauma responses. When you meet someone and you’re feeling this intensity and chemistry, where you literally cannot control your body, that is a trauma response. If you’re dating somebody, your body will tell you if its right or wrong. if you feel anxious all the time, you have no appetite, like you can’t sleep, those are all red flags, RUN! When you feel calm, at peace, like you want to take things slow, or that you could be really great friends with this person, that is what you need to look for.
We’ve been conditioned from a young age, from movies, to look for that intense feeling, that love at first sight, but they don’t teach you healthy love. It takes time to get to know each other and to build trust and closeness. So if you go on a date with someone and do not feel passion or chemistry it does not mean you can’t give it a chance.
When I met tony, I felt at peace, I felt calm, like I could be my most authentic self. I did not have to impress him, I did not have to wear a mask, it felt like we could be best friends. 2 years later, we have passion, chemistry, and intensity but in the most healthy way possible. And the rest is history.
Focus on your life, your real life
We can become consumed with swiping that we forget to focus on our real lives. Plan dinners with your friend, go on a trip, take a new exercise class, do things that add joy to your life, and you never know who you’ll meet! Have fun and be busy, it’s really attractive when you’re dating. Set boundaries for yourself and how you choose to use the apps. Do not let the apps take away from your life, and if it feels overwlimg, its ok to take a break.
Dating Apps for 50+
eHarmony
Ranked as the number 1 dating app for those 50+, harmony is the go-to app for singles looking for more than just a one-night stand or hookup. eharmony is a compatibility matching system based on shared interests, goals, and location.
It comes with a basic membership for those who are interested in taking a look at how the site works. The paid membership allows you to view your matches photos, see who has viewed your profile, your match’s distance from you, and unlimited messaging.
Match.com
Match is considered to be one of the world’s largest online dating networks. You sort your matches based on age group, city, and joining one of the many communities the site offers, such as the senior singles community.
OkCupid
Has over 50 million users and uses an online questionnaire at sign-up. The questions are meant to showcase your personality and interests and find you a match based on those answers.
OutTime.com
Our time understands that its users aren’t looking for conquests or playing the field. The site caters to those looking to settle down into long-term relationships, marriage, those looking for friendship, or even a pen pal.
SilverSingles
This app is considered one of the best senior dating apps in the United States, with 50,000 new sign-ups each week! The site uses a personality test at signup and an algorithm to match you with your best suitable partner.
While the app is free and allows you to use many features and view the personality and character traits of potential matches, an upgraded subscription is needed to view photos.
Keep an open mind you might not know until you find it
mentioned earlier in article, its very hard to judge someone so quickly from a dating app. I advise giving people you don’t normally date a try. You may meet someone really cool and if it does not work out you’ll still have a friends. One of the the most wonderful things about being single is having the time to meet new people
How do you differneate between standards/picky?
having high stands if great, knowing those standard in dating. being too picky is he’s not tall enough, oh she lives in west new york that being too picky. example i know a person who would only go for men who work in finance but they end up being jerks, what if she went for someone with ambition? these is an example of being picky
Rougher parts of personality
No-one is perfect, wer’e all human beings and you’re humanness is what makes you unique. Personally I like putting it all out there. On my profile I clearly stated I was a single mom, and I knew that the men matching with me were cool with that.
Is it worth your time?
Change your attitude, if you go in to dating apps with a negative attitude you’ll never find anyone worth your time. If you go in with an attitude like this is so fun, you can go out and find your love with your phone.
Meeting in real life for chemistry check?
Again nothing wrong with stopping a text convo and saying, “hey, think you’re great. Let’s meet in real life.” You won’t waste your time and if they’re interested they will meet with you.
Tips to include attract normal guys who commit?
Be secretive on images, if your profile is all images of you in bikinis or out partying it up it will put out that vibe out there. Men are very visual beings. Put photos of a family wedding or vacation and workout photos. It’s also importnant to indicate you’re looking for a relationship.
When setting up a profile they ask what you are looking for. What do I put?
If someone says they do not know what they are looking for that’s a red flag. i would hope by age 30, you know what your looking for. Unless you just got out of a marriage and are looking to have some fun.
Be honest about what you are looking for for. Whether it’s someone to walk your dog, hook up with or you are looking to start a relationship.
Did you try one dating site/app at a time? If so how long before moving onto a new one. Which app do I pick?
There are tons of dating apps these days, having more than one at a time can become very overwhelming. There are apps for relationships and hooking up it all depends on what you’re looking for. based on your wants and needs I’d focus on that app.
It feels hopeless and I want to give up
Take a break, delete the apps, focus on your life, focus on friends, go on a trip and do things that fill your cup. You can meet people in real life and you can delete and re-download the app when you feel ready again.
How did you transition from talking in an app to texting to meeting? I tend to get stuck
Just cut it short, you’re a busy person you have shit to do. A simple it’s been great chatting, I’m available this Thursday, if you want to meet up in real life for drink. If they aren’t about it, move on, its not for you.
I was married for 20 years, why dick pics?
I’m sorry to hear that, that is not fun, getting unsoliciated dick pics should be a crime. Be more selective with the men you talk to and block and delete them as soon as they send you a dick pics, its a big red flag!
how do I know I am not wasting my time?
I understand your concern Sof time being wasted, but no time is ever wasted, as each experience is a lesson learned leading you to the person you should be with. I’ve been on many terrible dates and I’d do it all again if it means meeting my person. You never know what could happen ,and how the universe works. If it doesn’t work out you move on for the best.
What to look for?
Well defentily don’t focus on height and location, look at the overall profile, look at their eyes, look at their smile. Look at them as a whiole as much as you can from a dating profile.
How do you keep going after so much disappointment?
You just do, if you don’t keep going then what? One day you’ll meet someone so amazing that you won’t ever remember the names of all the pope who dispooiint you. I can’t even remember the name of a guy who ghosted me a few months before I met tony, just keep going.
Interested in all things security-related. How do apps protect you? how to protect yourself?
A lot of the apps have verification, where people need to be verified, blue check on their profile indicating they have been vetted, but you need to protect yourself. On a first date always meet in public, share your location with a group of friends and let them know where your going, listen to your gut, never leave your drink unattended, do not drink more than 1-2 drinks, and do stalk social media.
The one thing that changed the online dating game for me before I met my partner on Hinge too, was all that you listed plus these two things: ask yourself what is your own problem? what are you letting get in the way? for me it was I almost thought my sh*t didn’t stink. every time I’d blame the man just for being a f’boy, immature, but didn’t in all those years look at what faults of mine led me to even give him the time of day? it was insecurities, thinking I could be different, change them… God was that wrong! once I stopped that I unlocked the secret of my own power to change… second, don’t take rejection personally but just as not the one! makes it more easy to walk away and move on. Thanks for sharing these insights, they were great!