Written by Aditi Paul

Candace Bushnell, the legendary author of Sex and the City said,

“Should is the worst word in the English language. People always think things “should” be a certain way, and when they’re not, they’re disappointed.”

An area of life where you really feel the toxic effect of the word “should” is in the realm of female sexuality. How many of us have bought into this belief system that

• Women should hold off sex
• Women should want sex only as an expression of intimacy, and the worst of the lot
• Women should want soft and tender “love-making” sex

Women, like you and I, are conditioned to think about our sexuality in these limiting terms at a very young age by the messages we receive from friends, family, movies, television, and books.

The real mindfuckery begins when you realize that what you enjoy in sex is nowhere close to this prescribed “should” list. Take for example, women’s desire for rough sex.

Not hold-me, spoon-me, caress-me sex. I’m talking rip-my-clothes-off, throw-me-on-the-bed, pound-me, thrust-me, fuck-me-till-I’m-sore sex.

You ever wanted this type of sex and immediately had a moral crisis like, “What the fuck is wrong with me? Which self-respecting woman wants this type of sex?”

Let me tell you, sis. You are not the exception; you are the rule.

According to Pornhub statistics, women are more likely than men to search for “rough sex,” “hardcore,” and “bondage” compared to “romantic” sex. Studies have also found that over 50% women engage in rough sex and over 30% of women initiate rough sex.

As for the question of why women enjoy rough sex more than your typical vanilla sex, we need to look at evolutionary theory to find the answer. According to this theory, during hunter-gatherer days, women used rough sex as a strategy to test the physical strength and quality of their male partners. Thus, males who were more dominant and aggressive were seen as more desirable than males who did not exhibit these traits. Years and years of evolutionary conditioning has resulted in women craving for such aggression from their male partners even to this day. Research also shows that women reach orgasm much faster compared to men when they have rough sex. No wonder we like it rough.

Some of the common types of behaviors women find pleasurable during rough sex are having their hair pulled, being choked, spanked, being pinned down, and thrusted hard. On the flipside, women like biting, scratching, and gnawing their nails deep into their male partner’s skin.

For this reason, erotic novelists like Julie Kenner generously include such sexual acts in their novels to fire up their female readers’ sexual fantasies. Take this excerpt from Kenner’s book Take Me,

“He thrusts another finger inside me and I grind down, shamelessly wanting more…..he grabs either side of the shirt and tugs it open, baring my breasts and sending buttons flying……. And then lands his palm sharply against my rear. I cry out, more from surprise than pain, and then brace for the second blow…… his[sic] palm is caressing the point of impact, smoothing out those brilliant red sparks, making them flow inside me, shifting from pain to a vibrant pleasure that pulses through me.”

             As you can already surmise, there is a very fine line that separates rough sex from sexual violence. That fine line is CONSENT. In acts of sexual violence, the aggressors use force on their partners against their partners’ will. In contrast, rough sex is consensual aggressive sexual behavior. In rough sex, both parties involved agree to the use of force, and that force must serve as a source of sexual pleasure.

            So, before you go roughing it up with each other between the sheets, ASK. My ladies, ask your man if he is okay with your use of teeth and nails. And my dudes, ask your woman if she wants it rough. And if she wants it rough, do what Queen Cardi says,

Give it everything you got
for that Wet Ass Pussy!

P.S. This article is written from a cis-gender heterosexual perspective.