“Welcome to the jungle it gets worse here every day. You learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play” yes, Axl Rose totally pegged any park in this city, a jungle with thousands of little crack-head monkeys.

We all know that the weather will eventually warm up and our caged animals will be ready to break out of jail. So what do we do with our unruly crack-heads, we release them into one of JC’s fabulous, extremely overcrowded parks. I love the parks because they are free fun, I mean who doesn’t love free shit right? The free fun comes with a price, absolute insanity where parents can let their kids run around and not give a shit. Well, I’m here to tell you that yes there are rules, or at least there should be and as crazy as it sounds and we adults should have some clue.

So let me break it down for you, it’s not the kid who is waving a big giant stick like it’s a lightsaber about to decapitate someone, it’s the person who has their head buried in their phone, catching up on social media not paying attention to Luke Skywalker.

So wake up people, pay attention because these are the laws I am about to pass:

1. Parents/Caregivers, please put down you smartphone, tablet, iPod, iPad, iWatch, Fitbit, book, magazine, newspaper, coffee, or flask. Stop flirting with each other and keep your eye on your prize. The playground is not the hottest club in town. If your kid comes to you asking for anything and your reply is “I’m on the phone,” that is a red flag. I’m pretty sure you are not the CEO or President so put your phone away.
2. If your kid hits, bites or even touches my kid and WWIII breaks out, I am stepping in and I’m not looking for your approval. Breaking news, like it or not we are responsible for our kids and newsflash your kid is NOT innocent. Yes, your kid can be a jerkface, they know how to push limits. Fights happen but if we actually watch them , SOME can be prevented. And don’t be that weird helicopter parent either.
3. CLOSE THE FUCKING GATE- holy shit, were you born in a barn???

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4. For the love of god, teach your kids not to run in front of a swing #duh… yeah watching your kid get hit is so not fun. It’s one of those life lessons taught by experiencing it! Also, the only reason to jump off a swing is if it’s on fire

5. Do Not, I repeat Do Not bring toys to the playground. BAD idea because this is how my kid thinks. If I like it it’s mine, if it looks like mine it’s mine, if you walk away it’s mine, if it’s yours it’s mine. Trust me this leads to rule #2, stop while you’re ahead.

6. Do not let your kid pee on the slide, been there done that! And I walked away pretending it wasn’t my kid.

7. And lastly, don’t let your kid bring food on the playground. There are tables for this! Your kid will leave shit everywhere and my kids will eat your kid’s shit off the ground.

8.And just for shits and giggles, this is for anyone with a dog. I do not want to look, smell, hear, step or be 100 ft. from dog shit. The dog shit fairy doesn’t live here so clean up your shit.

So, on behalf of PTOPATMK (Parents That Occasionally Pay Attention To My Kids), I would appreciate if someone will follow my rules.

I know it may be asking a lot but I will continue to bring my kids to the playground instead for suburban isolated backyards. I want them to navigate the jungle and learn how to cohabitate together.

Thank you for your time and attention, I know we think we are all so important.